April 27, 2017, completely changed our lives forever. My husband and I went in for an ultrasound, and I was 29 weeks pregnant. The doctor noticed something had changed, and we were told that we were having a baby that day. We were terrified and tears were filling our eyes, but we knew this was the only way our son could possibly make it. 

We trusted God, and we trusted our doctors to make the right decision so we checked in immediately for an emergency cesarean. It was beyond the scariest moment we lived in our marriage yet. We prayed for years and tried for years to have a baby, and we truly felt like this was an answer to so many prayers. 

We also felt like it was going to be taken away in a moment. We absolutely had to not give in to the fear and let it overtake us and learn to trust God even more. We prayed together and cried together, and then I was taken into the OR. I did not know how to feel. I was not prepared to have a baby yet, and I definitely was not prepared to have him this way. The doctors and nurses were absolutely incredible and made me feel as comfortable as possible. I just could not be more thankful for their care during that time.

The surgery went by in a flash and the doctor held up this tiny, fragile baby boy. He was red and crying and waving his little arms. The nurses cleaned him up a bit, wrapped him, and brought him to me for me to see up close. I remember all I could see was the tiniest face and how sweet and little his features were. They took him to the NICU right away from there, and it was several hours before I got to see him again. I cannot even describe the feelings I had in that moment because I felt relief that he was here, but I also felt the worry of the unknown of what we had a head of us. Still in all of that, I had this deep trust that he would make it.

My first time being wheeled through the doors of the NICU was a scary and strange feeling. I did not know what to expect, and I wondered how long we would be there and what the journey would look like for us while we were there. All of those feelings seemed to disappear for a moment when I was wheeled into our room in the NICU and saw my precious boy lying there in his isolette hooked up to all kinds of wires and tubes. I thought, “Whatever it takes, I have to be strong for him.”

Our son, River Ethan Robbins, was 1lb. 14oz. and 13in. long. I had never seen a baby that small and fragile. I then got to put my hand in and feel him. I will never forget that moment of seeing his tiny hands and feet move and watching him breathe and sleep so peacefully. We were truly overwhelmed with thankfulness in that moment.

The 57 days we spent in the NICU were definitely a roller coaster of emotions. We praised and counted each ounce he gained, and all the little things that kept developing physically and mentally for him were incredible. We cried when we could not hold him but once a day when we got to do that, and it was also really tough to leave him at night. I slept with the phone next to me afraid they would call and say something happened to him. The doctors and nurses reassured me constantly and were really there for me. Then however, we would see families leaving the NICU in tears, and we would wonder what kind of news they heard and if that would be us too. It is very hard to know how to feel and how to understand what all is going on while you are there. There is all kinds of hustle and bustle...alarms and flashing lights, nurses around the clock doing and checking all sorts of things, x-rays and ultrasounds. It can feel quite overwhelming at times.

One day I had a purple bag delivered to my room with all kinds of books and information in it. It was from the March of Dimes. I had heard of March of Dimes and even helped raise money for it before. I did not truly understand what it is they do though, and I really did not even understand what all it meant to have a premature baby and to be in the NICU. 

The time that they took and the books they sent were very thoughtful and very helpful. One thing they brought us was a baby book written specifically for NICU babies. It was something nice that the parents could fill out, and it actually fit our lives. Most baby books that new parents get to fill out are very sweet and want you to talk about things like coming home and what the baby did and what your schedule was like, and I found myself not being able to answer any of those questions. 

The NICU baby book they gave me was much more specific to what was happening with our lives at the time. I really appreciated that because sometimes as a parent going through what we did, a person can feel alone and unable to relate to anyone else.